Fruit Inspection

Where is a guy with a video camera when you need one? If someone would have captured me today, trying to kill the spiders that have webbed condominiums on our screened in porch, we would have won $10,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Let me start this story by saying how much I detest creepy, crawly bugs. I know some are good for the environment, ya da ya da ya da, but they scare me and I do not want them anywhere near me or my kids! And I really don’t know why they feel the need to build their homes on MY HOME. Serioulsy, Bugs, we have 3 acres out here. Can’t you find ANYWHERE else to catch your dinner? When I wander through the woods and run across their nests I realize that I am the intruder and go the other way. Spiders are not so considerate!

So the other day I bought some spray lovingly called “Spider Killer” and got it out this morning to rid our porch of these unwanted house guests. I instructed Savannah to stay inside because of all the warnings on the can. After reading the directions 3 times (just to be sure), I began to spray.

When I was about half done I got to the part of the deck that is not screened in. I left the door propped open as I went out because I have seen the spider who lives out there before. I thought he might give the “Spider Killer” a run for her money and I needed a way out other than jumping off the deck which is on the 2nd story of our house!

I began fogging the web and got more than I bargained for. Not by Mr. Creepy Legs, but by Mr. Red Wasp, who apparently resides BELOW the deck right where I was spraying!!! At first I thought he might just be flying by, but it didn’t take long to realize he was in hot pursuit of me. You know the phrase, “mad as a hornet”? Now I know exactly how mad that actually is!

I turned around to run back through the screen door. I thought the door was farther away than it really was and I ended up slamming my right arm into the door frame. Between the adrenaline and sheer panic I had quite a bit of momentum, so when I crashed into the right side I literally knocked myself over to the other side and banged up that arm too. Then I stumbled, got my balance and peeled around the corner in an effort to fling open the kitchen door and get myself in the house without any trailers. All the while screaming, “OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH!”

I really hope my neighbor was not outside trying to enjoy her morning cup of coffee in peace and quiet. She may have gotten more than she bargained for too!