Fruit Inspection

The Holy Spirit has been working overtime on me here lately. Not that I mind. I get more worried when I don’t feel Him tugging at my heart and requiring just a little more out of me.

But this! This one issue that gets me everytime. I can’t seem to defeat it…EVER! And it’s so frustrating. I’ve read books and applied principles. I’ve written down scripture verses. I have friends holding me accountable. I have such good intentions.

And still.

I fail.

There is a song on the new Casting Crowns CD called “The Altar and the Door”. Part of it goes like this:

“Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white,
How could I ever falter?
What You’ve shown me to be right.

I’m trying so hard to stop trying so hard,
Just let You be who You are.
Who You are in me .”

I was driving home from church Sunday listening to the words to this song. I couldn’t stop crying. I had just heard a message from our Pastor about staying under God’s authority and how it is the only way to defeat Satan.

Then it hit me!

See the paragraph above? The one where I was reading books. I was applying principles. I had verses. I. I. I. I.

Hellooooo? Where was God in all this? Sure, I had prayed about it and asked for help. But deep down, I was determined to beat it. Each day I knew that I could defend against Satan’s schemes. But truth is, I cannot. And now I knew it!

I think I may have been confusing faith in Him with my own pridefulness. When I would ask for the Lord’s help in overcoming this issue each day, I had confidence that I could make it through the day without succumbing. That confidence came from faith. But taking an honest look at myself, I can tell you that I had faith in me. That I could do it. Then, at the end of the day, when I looked back at all the times I had fallen, I asked God “why?”

This sin and the inability to overcome it has been weighing so heavily on me the past few months that it has gotten in between me and my relationship with Christ. I believe I’m at a crossroads. For a while I didn’t “get it”. But between my Pastor, BSF, music, and conversations with my accountability partner, God has led me to the truth. Now it’s up to me to make the right choice. Will I stay within my own authority (Satan’s) or find solace under God’s authority?

I have thought about this SO much over the past 3 days. Not contemplating what to do. But rather admiring God’s timing in everything. Today is Ash Wednesday. The start of the season of Lent that eventually leads up to my Lord and Savior being crucified and then risen from the dead. How much more special will this season of Easter be to me this year as I submit myself before Him and watch as He makes what once was dead in me, alive again!

Thank you Jesus!!!