Fruit Inspection

Dear Mr Stray:

As I begin this letter I would like to inform you that I consider myself an animal lover. Any pets that I have had the pleasure of owning were always affectionately referred to as members of the family. I feed the birds and enjoy watching the outdoor wildlife frolick and play in my yard.

You, however, are a different story.

I have never met an animal quite like you. You slink and sneak around, and have one of the worst personality disorders I have ever encountered. If anyone in my family even catches a glimpse of you and tries to make small talk, you hiss fiercely and dart into the drain pipe under our driveway. Friendly neighbor, you are not!

I think you became rather irritated with me when I began feeding our cats in the garage. But seriously, you kept eating ALL THEIR FOOD! You are a HOG in cat clothing!!! Not that it stopped you. How many times have I walked out my kitchen door and heard you hissing and spitting at me? This is MY HOUSE. How do you not know that by now????

I feel like I have put up with your rude, snarly attitude for far too long. And the fact that I had to take my little kitty to the vet YET AGAIN this weekend for wounds she sustained fighting off your gnarly @$$, only confirms the decision I have made to hand you over to the authorities.

This brings me to the trap. Was that you snickering as I strategically set it up last night at dusk, putting a big yummy helping of meatloaf, still warm from dinner, all the way in the back so you would step on the trigger and the door would slam closed behind you?

Thirty minutes later I went back outside only to find the meatloaf gone and you licking your dirty, sneering face in the bushes next door. Did you see me glaring at you? I really think I hate you. I became determined then and there that you would be HISTORY by lunchtime today.

So this morning I had a new plan. I took some moist cat food (ya like that, don’t ya) and not only put it in a dish in the back of the trap, but spread that stinky seafood flavored stuff all over the cage itself. There was no way you could get to it and NOT step on the trigger. Then I took the kids to school.

I came home from the grocery store a few hours later with intentions of picking you up, cage and all, and taking you straight to the lovely folks at Animal Control. Imagine my surprise when I saw the trap empty and the catfood…GONE! You are a sneaky little devil, aren’t you???

Well, let me just tell you right here and now, in case you didn’t hear me when I shouted it into the woods this morning, “THE GAME IS ON!!!!” Do you hear me? It is SO ON! And you are SO GONE!

Your soon-to-be-ex-neighbor,
Jodi