This post is a long time coming. Not because I don’t want to share, but because I find it hard to explain. As a matter of fact, I tried to talk to a friend of mine about it this week, and I just couldn’t make it make sense. I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m nuts. With a side of dramatic.
Our house is halfway through the rebuilding process. We are choosing new paint colors, hardwood flooring, carpet and cabinets. We get brand spankin’ new appliances. We’ve been able to make minor changes to our house that made it more “us”, if you know what I mean. And we may even have an opportunity to put in a pool!
Sounds great, right? So why aren’t I more excited? Or rather, why am I holding back my excitement, might be the better question.
Did you ever just feel that you didn’t deserve something? Ever since the bottom fell out of the economy and we had to default on millions of dollars worth of debt, I have wanted nothing more than to humble myself and reside in a shack in the woods. That’s what I felt like I deserved. And honestly, there were a lot of people that worked for us that would have liked to see that happen too.
In the past 2 years, we’ve tried to sell our house, with only one tiny offer that wouldn’t have covered half the mortgage. We almost lost our house one day last year when we got the foreclosure notice and date that it would be going up for sale on the courthouse steps. Then, this past April, it literally went up in smoke.
The fire has put our lives on hold. Jeremy had to quit the FLW Tour and I’ve done my best to manage a homeschooling household in the four upstairs bedrooms of my father in laws house.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am so thankful for a place to stay. But it’s hard living in someone else’s home. Using their cookware, sharing a refrigerator and a pantry, not being able to park in the garage on cold, rainy days, having to get completely dressed to go downstairs to get the shirt I want to wear out of the dryer. Sure, it’s minor. I get that. But after 7 months, it starts to get annoying.
And now we are in the finishing stages of rebuilding. I should be ecstatic! Our house is beautiful. Even better than the first time we built it. But I feel so unworthy.
I talked to God about this one morning as I walked before breakfast. “Ya know, God, it’s not that I don’t want to be excited about one of your blessings. But I’ve prayed and prayed about what to do since the fire. Take a short sale, or move back in? Nothing is happening down here on my end. It would be great if you could join me on my walk today and explain to me what you’d like us to do”.
Nothing. Nada. Zip.
And as I kept thinking, it occurred to me that this is not something completely foreign to me. I have struggled with unworthiness before. Like when Savannah was born. I remember a friend asking me if we were going to have any more babies. Savannah was only a few months old and I told him that I didn’t think so. She was perfect and I truly felt I didn’t deserve anything like her.
Obviously I took another chance two years later, but when the conversation came up between Jeremy and me about a third child, I absolutely told him I did not want to take another chance. I felt I was lucky to get the two I had and expecting a third would be incredibly arrogant of me.
Did I just use the word “lucky” to describe the blessing of my children???
See how screwed up I am? Where does mercy, grace, and faith fall into all this? No seriously. I’m asking. Where does mercy, grace and faith fall into all this???
If God has allowed us to continue living in our home, then I’d like to give a huge shout of praise and thanksgiving! But I just feel that I can’t, knowing that others have suffered hardships on our account. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over feeling like a dirtbag about this.
At this point, I am wondering if my issue is more with guilt than unworthiness. “Getting what I deserve” sounds more like retaliation. God is all about love and forgiveness. But how do I forgive myself? And more importantly, have I accepted His forgiveness?
There is no way for me to wrap up this post with a nice, neat bow. It’s only random thoughts. I really want to break down this wall and feel joy again. To accept forgiveness and know that I am worthy of happiness. I can’t change the past and honestly, there is only so much I can do with the future. I get to live in a new house soon. I don’t deserve it. But for some reason, He is allowing it.
3 Comments
Of course you don’t deserve it. No more than the people listed on the right column on your mother’s blog deserve what they’ve been given. The real blessing that God gives us is that we get to choose our attitude in life. I remember the signature line from the movie “The Color Purple”–two girls are walking thru a field of beautiful purple flowers and one girl says to the other “I think God must be angry at people who don’t notice the color purple.” Celebrate your blessings this Thanksgiving!
Just remember that when Jeremy built the house the first time, he put a cross in stone above the front door. God has always been with you in that house. Remember when you wanted to sell it to help the business? And you thought you had a deal only to have it fold at the last minute? He was looking out for you and the house at that time. And a couple of times since. He was with you on your morning walk…because He always goes along when invited…but His silence is not by accident. It neve is. Just be still and know. And since you need a place to live, move into the home He has provided for you and feel joy and gratitude and peace. Just keep seeking His will for your future and live your present.
Oh friend. I’m so proud of you for pouring your heart out! God has not left you, and you are not forgotten. I see how He is showing you something new about Himself and His character. I would venture to say, that He has very specific plans for you and your family in that home.
Love you and praying that you and Jeremy realize how precious you are to our Father.
Hugs,
steph.