Fruit Inspection

I say: “You’ve played that game long enough, it’s time to turn it off and find something else to do.”
They hear: “Turn that game off unless your winning. If your winning please continue to play until your last man dies or until its 2 hours past your bedtime. Whichever comes first.”

I say: “When you get upstairs be sure to take your wet swimsuits into the laundry room and hang them up to dry.”
They hear: “Take your wet clothes off as quickly as possible and pile them in a heap on your bathroom floor where I’m sure Mr Nobody will be happy to take care of it for you.”

I say: “That’s enough fighting! You two need to get along! I don’t want to hear another mean comment from either one of you!”
They hear: “Please be sure to share at least one more snide remark under your breath, followed by glaring eyes, snatching of items in hand, and/or pushing and shoving. It’s very important to get even and have the last word.”

I say: “I want each one of you to be responsible for one load of laundry per week.”
They hear: “We will be washing clothes for the entire neighborhood each and every day and you will never have one minute of free time for the rest of your childhood.”

I say: “Go clean your room.”
They hear: “Shove your folded clothes into as few drawers as possible, throw all your random toys into the shoe container in your closet, push any dirty laundry under your bed, and lay your quilt neatly over whatever items are on top of your bed. As long as I can see the carpet, that’s what counts.”

I say: “It’s time to go. Let’s head out.”
They hear: “I’d like you to get on your scooter/skates immediately before we leave and ride around for a bit while I wonder where you went and call your name a few dozen times turning what would have been a nice relaxing drive into a frustrating race against the clock.”

I say: “Sure. You can have your friend over to play sometime.”
They hear: “Go get my calendar! I’m going to drop everything I’m doing at this exact moment to talk in depth about the possibility of your friend coming over and all the fun things you’d like to do, including what movies are available at Redbox and which pizza toppings you’d like to order.”

I say: “We need to go to the grocery store later today.”
They hear: “It brings me so much joy to take you to a place you despise going that I thought I’d bring it up at breakfast in an effort to put you in a bad mood for the entire day. This is going to be so much fun for all of us. I cannot wait!!!”

I say: “Just a minute. I’m on the phone.”
They hear: “When I place this device up to my ear it’s your cue to have some sort of sock/toy/food/DVD emergency. Please feel free to continually tap me on the shoulder while jumping up and down in front of my face to get my attention. That isn’t distracting at all. And it should help me to be able to get off the phone much more quickly. Thank you for your assistance.”